My goal once I brought Angel here was to keep her safe and if that meant to stand between her and a bullet I had full intentions on doing so. My second goal was to make her feel comfortable and in doing so I shared a few personal stories with her, this was one of them.
This story is very personal to me, this one actually contains some truth. I should not have to bare my soul to the internet because I have to prove I am not the monster.
When I was a child, my grandmother struggled with depression. She was a part of a generation that would never talk to a therapist because of the stigma. It is a real shame that we as a society we still haven’t moved beyond this because it is the root of a lot of addictions. My grandmother also self medicated and became erratic. It is a long story with many parts that do not need to be made public just to defend myself so I won’t share those parts. Some of those parts are simply not my story to tell.
My Grandmother in fact killed herself…she did in fact use a gun…
I told Angel that I lost my grandmother to suicide. I told her that she shot herself and it was graphic and it was a lot to clean. It was on the wall, it was on the floor and in the carpet. I told her family members had to clean this and Angel’s comment was we have people to clean that kinda stuff now.
That was not just an insensitive comment but it also proves she heard me, she thought about it and when she spit this back out to me the final few days of her being in my house I knew it was my story, not hers.
She was having constant meltdowns (which the reasoning will be in another post) and one of her most recent ones were due to flashbacks. Angel told me I didn’t understand how hard it was to deal with seeing images of your brother’s brains on the bathroom wall.
This brother DID NOT exist…that is a special kind of sick isn’t it??
She sat on my closet floor and cried about how she kept seeing this image, and image that could not exist, because he did not exist, and imaginary people cannot kill themselves.
The_Concert_Mom 