hi.
i’m sure you don’t want to talk to me now, or ever again. that’s fine. i don’t really know if i want to talk to you either. you made a big fucking mess and i’m angry, i’m sad, i’m disappointed. what the actual fuck have you done?
i trusted you. i cared about you. i loved you more than you even know. you took advantage of anything i could give, as well as so many others. i don’t understand why you would lie so much about anything and everything. i can’t get my head around it. i still would have wanted to be your friend without all the bullshit.
i can’t count the times the thought of messaging you something has gone through my mind before i remember the past few weeks. it hits me all over again and i feel my heart ache from the roller coaster of emotions i have been feeling. it’s such a shame, isn’t it? not talking anymore. i’ve forgave a lot from you, but i can’t forgive anything now that i know that nothing you’ve said is true. i can’t forgive you. i will not make that mistake again.
and then there’s moments that i find myself missing the good times. the laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe, the funny stories and inside jokes. i miss those nights spent on the long bus rides leading me to you and our next adventure together, the nights spent in a dark and crowded room with my best friend by my side screaming along to the songs we shared a love for. i loved seeing new cities and making memories there with you. did any of that ever mean anything to you? or were you just using me for whatever i could pay for and some cheap company?
honestly i felt like my love and my friendship was never good enough for you. you only wanted to see me when it was convenient for you. you only wanted me around for concerts, if there wasn’t a band around you never wanted to see me. i often wished you would have just wanted to see me for me. but that’s whatever. there’s 500 miles and a border between us. it’ll make it damn easy to never see each other again. i kind of hate that i will never see you again but maybe it’s for the best.
why did you lie so much? why did you have to make up all these horrific things for attention? for years i scarified my well being, my mental health was dragged to hell because of how much i fucking cared about you. why? why did you have to make all that shit up, why did you have to put me through so much suffering because you knew you’d get attention from how much i cared? you know i would have done anything i could for you. i’ve shed so many tears for you. i’ve had sleepless nights. i’ve been so worried sick i couldn’t eat. all i wanted for you was for you to be okay, happy, healthy and living your best life. i don’t think you ever had the capacity to care for me like that.
i hate that this is how things turned out. i hate that you’re a pathological liar. i hate that the person i thought of as my best friend was just some idealized persona made up of sad fantasy stories. i hate that i’m sad for you. i hate that i miss a person who doesn’t exist. i hate that i don’t even know you. i hate that all i’ve ever really known from you is lies. i hate that so many people truly cared about you, all these people loved you. and you took advantage of all that. i hate you have hurt so many people who cared about you and your lies. i hate how stupid i feel for caring about you. i hate that part of me still cares. i hate that i’m sad. i hate that i’m angry. i hate that i hate so much about everything right now. i hate what you’ve done to me and everyone else. i hate that i’m heartbroken over this.
despite hating so much of what you’ve done, i still can’t find it in me to hate you.
i just wish i could understand why you’re like this. i’m still trying to wrap my head around everything. i’m still piecing together the multitude of lies that you have told me over the years. i’m still wondering why. it makes me sad for you.
i’ll always wish that things were different. i tried to be good friend for all of those years. i did whatever i could. but this is on you. you really made a mess. losing everyone and everything you’ve ever known is the consequences of the choices that you’ve made. i’m just really disappointed about everything i’ve learned about you. you can be something so much better than the shit you’ve done. i hope that you can become the best version of yourself. i hope that you can get the help you need to be able to live a healthy and truthful life.
bye.
kat
The_Concert_Mom 